Now keep in mind, these are just my opinions and it’s only based of my own personal loss. My mom died 2 months ago and everyday is a learning process not only in my new life without her, but also this uncharted territory called grieving. I always compare it to this: Think of being dropped off somewhere and you don’t know where you are and those bastards that left you there didn’t even give you a map to help you figure out where you’re going or how to get out. (And there’s no iPhone or TomTom either) That’s kind of what it’s like. I learn something new about myself everyday…about my children, my other half, and my friends. The following are some observations of mine in no particular order:
1) I now pick and chose my battles very carefully. There are very few things I will spend time dwelling on or fighting about anymore. I refuse really. When I start to feel like I might, I think about how much time I am going to waste worrying over something so stupid and possibly lose time with someone I care about and lose sleep that I desperately need.
2) Things could always be worse. Our lives are not that bad. Does it really matter if you didn’t get that pair of shoes? Does it really matter if your friend didn’t want to go eat where YOU wanted to go eat? Does it really matter if they didn’t give you enough beer in your cup? Does it really matter that that girl who you don’t even know gave you the stank eye? Does it really matter if someone cut you off in traffic? My personal answer to all of these little things is a big fat no. I have had to learn how to deal with the things I hear around me—the people who complain about the smallest, most minute little things. What I really want to say is “ Hey, I wake up everyday knowing I am never going to talk to my mom ever again and I’m standing right here smiling and making the best of every minute.” I don’t deserve a cookie or a gold star. People do it everyday. I’m not saying I am any different from any of them. However, I do feel that because of what I have been experiencing, my outlook on life is one that is more positive than it ever has been and you know what? It’s really, really amazing and I think everyone should feel this. I just wish people didn’t have to go through something so painful to really appreciate their life. And not everyone does. But some people do.
3) Pictures of your loved one who has passed on is weird. There’s something really unsettling for me about looking at pictures of my mom and she’s not really here anymore.
4) Expect to be sad at one point in the day everyday. If you just get it out, it passes quicker than you may think it will.
and last (but not finally—there’s always more to write at another time)
5) Always say “I love you” even if you’re mad. Say it because it’s 2pm. Say it because you feel like it. Say it because it’s true. Say it because it can never hurt to say it one more time.
Thank you. I needed this. I lost my father and it completely tore my life apart at every imaginable seam. It’s been a lot longer for me than for you and I think I’ve been lost for a couple of years now.
Again, Thank You.
Jon Burkey | 04/19/2010 02:51 AM | Link
Heartfelt post and I am terribly sorry for you loss… I lost my father as well at a young age and I can relate on so many levels.
Jeanne Valois | 04/19/2010 05:17 AM | Link
Bella, I had no idea. I’m so sorry. I know all about it. I lost my Grandfather almost 7 years ago and I still feel it almost every day. After a while, looking at pictures became bareable again. I know that feeling of being lost and helpless. This too shall pass.
Hold on to your memories, good and bad. They will get you through. Hold your family close, they will get you through.
Thank you for sharing your world Bella. It makes us all a little bit closer. And thats a good thing.
Darren Davis | 04/19/2010 06:37 AM | Link
I love what you are doing. I truly couldve used this 3 years ago but I still need to help to get by. So thanks. Mom has been gone 3 years now. Also unexpected and 2 weeks before Joseph was born.
I still have my gut wrenching crys here and there but it gets better…. Kind of. I think I’m just numb.
Adrianne | 04/19/2010 10:09 AM | Link
I think often, “Is she really gone?” as if it’s all a dream. I picture her sitting on her couch and laughing and smiling and think “Really?”. I try to not have any regrets…..love you. xoxo
Dianne | 04/19/2010 12:19 PM | Link
Hey,
You know I lost my mom 2 weeks ago. Death is a terrible thing . I watched my mom suffer for a week before her passing. I have no anger or regret. I had the oppurtunity to learn during this whole process. I have learned patients that is fearless, relentless and contagious from my mother. I hope to show that to others in time. I have learned what compassion, love and loss really means from my father.
We have to pick up the pieces, the hard part will be putting them in thier new place. This is not the time for regret or anger for what was not done or said. This is the time to mend the fences that you still have access too. I was very lucky, that there was nothing left unsaid between my mother and myself.
As an adult I have felt so many emotions and thoughts. There is no right or wrong in any aspect of death. The key is communication with your family. More than likely you are not alone in your thinkng.
Cousin Vinny | 04/19/2010 10:28 PM | Link